Everything went dull. I can’t tell you why or how, but I woke up and life was just simply dull. I didn’t want to admit anything was wrong… Cause I mean, nothing was, really. I just felt different. I felt a little heavier, a little less witty, a little less… well, just a little less.

“I lost my spark.” I told myself. A piece of me, I didn’t know what piece really: a piece of my youth, a piece of my hopefulness, a piece of kindness for the world, a piece of my light… went out. And suddenly I wasn’t me anymore. The youthful, vibrant, optimistic little girl I was so used to seeing in the mirror suddenly wasn’t looking back at me. For a long time I felt like I’d never get her back… I’d never get myself back. I didn’t know where she went and I didn’t know where to find her. Even worse, I didn’t know if I even could.

Trying to figure out what this feeling was and why I was feeling it, I looked at my life and what it had become. I looked at what had changed: my friends, my perspectives, even my environment. I found this change was irreversible. I had simply become different.

This ugly truth lead me to believe I’d never find the “old Taylon” that I loved and cherished. I wanted it all to return. I was angry at life for taking so much away from me. I was wasting away, dreaming of what it’d be like to just reverse everything. Go back to a simpler time, a happier place. Give me my childhood back, my friends back, my joy back. Give it all back, damn it. Prayers and cries were simply lost in the wind and with each unanswered plea, I lost more and more hope.

One day, like a jolt of lightning or an accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap, I woke up and suddenly realized… It’s time to move on.

Amidst the chaos and uncertainty, letting go with tears and nostalgia, I marched in the only direction I knew I’d have a choice in: Forward.

I’m not proclaiming I was happy about it. I’m not going to pretend I don’t miss a lot of what had changed in my life: places, friends, and memories. Sometimes I felt dejected about what was ahead because I lost so much.

But coming out of what was a period of total confusion, I learned this:

Sparks are not meant to last forever. Fires go out. They lose fuel and they disappear. And that’s okay. That doesn’t mean you’re in the dark forever, or even in the dark at all. I think a lot of my problem was I so badly wanted things to go back the way they were that I neglected to see the opportunity for the future. It took me longer than I care to admit to realize that just because things can’t go back to the way they were, doesn’t mean whatever’s to come isn’t just as beautiful. Different doesn’t mean it’s worse or better. It’s just simply that… different. And when the spark goes out, wandering in the dark doesn’t do anybody (especially yourself) any good. Embracing the new while cherishing the old can prosper great learning and open yourself up for entirely new memories. It can make you appreciate the change in life and in yourself. The future won’t hold the same things, but that doesn’t mean they’re any less important or life changing. I was getting so upset over the fact that I couldn’t have everything back that I forgot the beauty in the unknown, in growth, and in searching.

We don’t have to forget our past to appreciate our future. We can cherish who we were, while knowing who we are going to become. We progress knowing that what life will hold for us will be just as fulfilling.

Yes, I lost my spark and I won’t ever be the same Taylon again. That’s the entire point. It’ll be different… it will be new. Sometimes you need your light to go out so you’re less blinded by what you know or what you’re comfortable with. Extinguishing my light wasn’t saying goodbye to who I was, it was allowing room for me to see all the other sparks waiting to be ignited. When I found another spark, it lit up a realm of life I couldn’t have dreamed of before. Another spark that inspired new things inside myself that were drowned out by my grips on my past. I could confidently know who I am currently, but also courageously conquer who I want to become. Going forward knowing I still have my roots: my family, my passions, and my heart, but also embracing transition within myself. Letting my pillars take me to exactly where I am meant to be while simultaneously trusting myself to fall apart, lose myself, and fall back together in such a beautiful new way.

You’re never lost. Just wandering around a bit.

Signed With Love,
-T